How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
