I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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