I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
