I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
