Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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