good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
