ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
smell my finger.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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