im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
