I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
