No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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