That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
