I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
