So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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