how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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