Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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