genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
