I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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