just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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