Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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