My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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