He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
