like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
