In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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