Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I forget how to act sober
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
