Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
