If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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