But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
