Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
