I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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