Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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