my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
