Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
