I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
