4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
