Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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