this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
