Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Screwed.edu
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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