I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Randomize
