I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
