Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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