Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
