I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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