It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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