his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
