i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
