I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
