I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
