I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
