She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
