Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
