I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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