I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
