apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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