Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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