Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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